THE OLD GREY MARE SHE AINT WHAT SHE USED TO

(nor is the old grey stallion)

Sobbed to a man to a tart in Valencia,

Alas, due to senile dementia,

  I forgot what to do when I meet girls like you,

Who offer  me sexy adventure!

 That last verse might seem quite uncouth,

But is meant to convey the sad truth

Namely, don’t ever doubt

That some talents wear out,

So, young men, make the most of your youth!

 

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ODE TO MATRIMON(E)Y 

From my earliest days, one fact I was taught

Was that O is a symbol for ‘no’, ‘nil’ or ‘nought’.

The above knowledge, most of my life I have carried,

Including the decades since I was married.

 In those lkong ago decades before I was wed,

Seldom, if ever, was I in the red,

I was never a spendthrift – that point I must stress,

My book always balanced, i.e. more or less.

 I was never a man who’d speak ill of his wife,

So I’m not blaming mine for my grim fiscal strife,

But since I’ve been paired with that cuddlesome pet,

I have seldom, if ever, been long out of debt.

So beware, you young lover-boys, don’t be misled,

Not that O is the difference between “Owed” and “Wed!”.

        Or putting it another way ……..

There’s an answer to this question I never could to gather,

And the frown that I’m wearing I have no doubt shows it:

Having given my loved one an open slather,

Could somebody tell me how I can close it?

                     

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SALUTE TO A WOMAN OF PRINCIPLE

 My wife is very thoughtful, as I now will illustrate,

It is one of her many virtues which I can hardly overstate.

Another worthy principle on which she’s quite insistent,

Is to practice what she preaches—and always be consistent!
 

Thus, before leaving the supermarket, this practice she has learned:

Ensure that the details on the bill are fair to all concerned.

While still in the checkout queue, no visit of her is complete

Till she’s thoroughly checked each item recorded on her receipt
 

Should perchance she be overcharged, I hardly need to mention

That she promptly brings this error to the management’s attention.

(it’s not selfish motivation which prompts her to do so—

just that she feels the management would like to be let known.)

But to make herself a nuisance is not at all like her,

And, being very thoughtful, she knows errors must occur.

So when reference to one of her purchases is missing from her list,

Her impulse to correct things she will, thoughtfully resist.

 

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BOTTOM’S UP

 When our upstairs neighbour has a binge

He tends to come home reeling,

Making his floor reverberate,

(That is, our bedroom ceiling).
 

 Returning from a recent spree

With drinking mates in town,

His thudding, drunken footsteps sent

Our lampshade crashing down!
 

To me, quite busy at the time,

This proved a dire distraction,

Likely to strain “good neighbour” ties

Much more than just a fraction.
 

It’s true the lampshade didn’t break---

It wasn’t even cracked

In no time flat I’ll have it back,

Secure, pristine, intact.

But just the same, it made me sob!

(My wife was seldom tearier!)

You’d understand if you could see

The bruise on my posterior.

 

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